(DON'T) SHOW ME THE MONEY

Well, the business world has finally achieved the pinnacle of salesmanship - we now have the privilege of actually being able to purchase a product that doesn't exist. In fact, it's even better than that - we can buy a NEGATIVE quantity of something, which certainly solves the problem of manufacturers running out of stock.

I was looking at my weather site this morning, hoping that global warming was coming soon to my yard (which is stubbornly refusing to get with the program and warm up), when I noticed a "climate change" section. Of course, I had to have a peek - my, my, what a surprise: an infomercial from an alarmist website explaining how you can spend your (real) money to buy (not real) carbon credits. Sounds like a deal to me, you know how annoying it is to have all that extra money laying around and getting in the way. A big whack of carbon credits, being invisible and all, would take up much less space in my wallet.

Working on the premise that the potential buyer is in the habit of buying swampland in Florida and has recently had a lobotomy, the information is presented very simply. First it explains that everything you do produces carbon dioxide ( you know, that stuff that makes plants grow and supports life on Earth?) and that you are ruining the planet. But there is hope - you can purchase magic "carbon offsets" and thereby negate the environmental impact of your farts or whatever.

Yes, if you just send a bunch of money to some guy you've never met, you can light your BBQ with a clear conscience. In fact, if you're disgustingly rich, you can emit all the co2 you want. Al Gore could fly a jet to Costa Rica, take a crap in the rainforest and still have enough carbon credits left over to wipe his ass with non-recycled toilet paper. But hey, he's rich. We're not, so you just better do your part and quit idling in the McDonald's drive-thru. You filthy polluter.

Next we are told to prepare for the inevitability of greenhouse gas regulation and taxation. Hold on a minute there, not quite so fast - that's what the profiteers are trying for, but there is a lot of opposition. People are so bent about BC's carbon tax that the NDP (who normally love Ministries of Regulating Everything) have made repealing it one of their most popular campaign promises.

Of course, they plan to replace it with an even more devastating cap-and-trade scheme, but they're desperate for votes, right? Good luck with that. It's funny, all this fuss about co2 when water vapor is the major greenhouse gas. Wonder when they'll get around to making money off that?

Anyway, the infomercial goes on to tell us that not all carbon offsets are created equal. Price varies, and the "high-quality" ones are better, so you are encouraged to shop around. Yes folks, do some bargain hunting - you want to get the best nothing for your dollar, don't you? I mean, I'd feel real stupid if I paid a high price for nothing when I could have got it on sale.

How the heck do they plan to keep inventory on this? How many times could a company sell the same carbon credit? When your stock is non-existent, how do you know if some is missing?I guess we should be more trusting, everyone knows it's for our own good. Just send the money and don't worry your little wooly head about it.

I have an idea - I'll buy carbon credits, but in keeping with the spirit of the times, I'll purchase them with "lifestyle credits" instead of money. I can use the $40 I didn't spend at the casino last week. Yes, and the $12.95 I saved when I passed up that chocolate cheesecake at Thrifty's (I'm actually regretting that one). How about all the money I don't spend on crack? Do I get double credit for money I don't lend to my kids because they only pay me back half the time? The math is getting complicated here, but I can see where axe-murderers and armed robbers could really make a killing, so to speak. By purchasing "criminal lifestyle" credits and refraining from acts of mayhem, they could help to reduce "social pollution". Now, where's my Nobel Prize?

Excellent info site: ilovecarbondioxide.com  ( look at:  co2 facts)

EARTH HOUR UPDATE

Apparently I haven't been giving the folks in our fine valley enough credit - there are WAY more sensible people here than I thought. When I heard Big Brother reminding me through the WalMart speakers to remember to turn off my lights for Earth Hour, I thought to myself: this tears it - now a DEPARTMENT STORE is nagging me about global warming? Has everyone gone completely nuts? I was so depressed I had to buy two giant Aero bars to console myself.

Oh, the stupidity of it all - as I looked out my window in April at the snow-covered fields, I had pretty much given up hope that there were any rational people left on the planet. Then last night I read the local paper. I could hardly believe it - Headline: Valley Shines Bright During Earth Hour! Yes, electrical consumption in the valley actually INCREASED 1.3% during the event! Not only that but province-wide, the lights-out response was only half of that recorded last year! Yes! People are wising up to the scam and, even more important, are sending a message: up yours, you money-grubbing, co2-taxing profiteers - we do not buy the lie!

Of course, like a typical brainwashed Gore-worshipper, the local organizer of the event tried to ignore reality by saying that some people might have forgotten (yeah, right), and that the increased energy use during Earth Hour was "not the point". How ridiculous - it was EXACTLY the point. People are fed up with the bullshit and they showed it, in a big way. Think how many people must have turned their lights on to not only compensate for the idiots who sat around in the dark burning candles (which, by the way, are up to 100 times less efficient than light bulbs and produce 10-100 times more indoor air pollution), but to actually INCREASE the energy use. The irony is that the candle-burners probably did more damage to the environment.

But that's typical - most global warming believers have not bothered to find out anything about the real pollution issues or the economic and human damages caused by this so-called crisis that was invented to line the pockets of the rich. They just watch one movie starring Lardbutt McScammer and get sucked in, then go around feeling all smug and self-righteous and expect the rest of us to follow suit, feel guilty, and throw money at the government.

Haven't they figured out that the scientists who disagree with the global warming/co2 theory have nothing to gain by their statements - the ones that promote it are all depending on the program to provide funding, political gain, and money through taxation and investment in the carbon control business. They have a trillion good reasons to lie - the dissenters don't. Not hard to figure out who's more likely to be honest. Al Gore and the IPCC have been caught lying and providing false information to the public (Chris Horner's book "Red Hot Lies" gives some good background on this), but it doesn't seem to matter to the truly converted.

Locally, it was a great moment for the climate realists, and it got even better when I saw the letter to the editor from a man giving his opinion on the climate hoax (loved the part where he compared global warming alarmists to lemmings!). I haven't felt such a sense of community spirit in years. And pleasant surprise that our local paper doesn't predigest our news for us or refuse to print politically incorrect viewpoints like some of the larger ones do.

Anyway, enough gloating - suffice it to say that I was so surprised and elated that I had renewed hope for the future - rational thought seems to be prevailing. I even went out and gardened today. In my friggin PARKA! But hey, it was my way of (belatedly) celebrating Earth Hour.

Best climate information site: algorelied.com  (lots of links to other good sites)

You Tube: Not Evil Just Wrong - trailer for upcoming movie showing the true cost of climate hysteria

New book: Red Hot Lies by C. Horner explains the politics and deception behind the global warming issue